All things come to an end...

What happened to the rest of my chemo treatments were just as hard as i have described them and worse..that's how i can sum it up..BUT after all the horrible events something good must come out of it right? YES! not just something good but something GREAT!!! I am now officially in complete remission and recovering really well. It has been 3 months now that my PET scans were clear..the last one was last Friday and also clear! I couldn't be more happier than a raccoon on a trash can in the Bronx..hehehe

Anyway, a lot has happened since my last post. I also went for 17 sessions of radiation therapy to my neck, back and chest. As of today i can barely speak since the treatments were affecting my voice box. Treatments ended last Thursday by the way. But don't fret, i will be able to speak AND sing again (to all my fans please be patient my singing career will be back soon! LOL). Though i'm able to eat solid food again with minimal pain. 

And oh yeah, my hair my hair my hair is finally growing back!!! As what i told a friend of mine, i feel like a pubescent kid with hair starting to grow in almost everywhere in my body. It feels really weird but i'm glad to see them back. My appetite is back so i am also gaining weight, i am 127lbs from a mere 107lbs since chemo #5. I am able to start enjoying my weekends like most people. I still want to go back to jogging and hopefully enroll in a gym coz right now i can only tolerate minimum to moderate exercises. Soon.

It was a journey of a lifetime. It changed everything in my life. I am a lot stronger than i was. I found out who my true friends are. I realized that people are naturally caring and that FAITH is one powerful thing!

To my family who i know literally went through the pain with me, i love you guys so much! To my friends, who cried and laughed with me throughout this whole experience, my hypothalamus leaps with you!, For all of you who expressed their love in any form, i thank you from the bottom of my heart! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I wouldn't have been able to fight cancer alone. And most of all to the Higher Being watching me up there, thank you for the strength, the love, the hope... thank you very much! :)

To anybody reading this who are in the middle of a health crisis. Please NEVER give up the fight. Cancer is just a word!!! NOT your world. Cry if you have to. Be angry if you need to. Fight!!! You are not alone in this battle. 

Chemotherapy #4 & #5 and Updates!

Hello friends! So i did two more chemo sessions. And they both were as bad as the last time. Nothing really new to say except that the side effects last a little longer than usual. And that the pain lingers around in places i never imagined exists. But anyway, I can't believe i'm almost there! 3 more to go and graduation!!! unless you wanna consider the next phase which is a month a half of radiation therapy. Oh well that's a different story. 
By now the chemo therapy almost seems like a routine to me. I go to the hospital and "poison" myself, go home be sick for a week, recover for the next week and repeat the cycle again. But you know what the worst part is? It's not actually the unending feeling of your gut trying to escape your body through your mouth or the annoying, can't-sleep-unless-i-pop-a-pill pain all over your body or when almost everything your brain say delicious your tongue say "chalk", it's the isolation that this illness has given me. The feeling of being fragile...useless. I miss my family! I miss my friends! I miss myself!!! 
Sure my family comes in and takes care of me, sure my friends see me as much as they can or text and call me but it is never the same. I find it hard to explain it..don't really know how to start to explain it. 
First of, i became neutropenic, meaning i have to avoid crowds a much as i can so i won't risk getting an infection, hence the masks, the staying home all the time and the $4,000 booster shots. And then the side effects of the chemo that's really limiting me from doing anything except sleeping or yes, sleeping for a week or so. I guess what i'm trying to say is i wanted my old life back. I want to be able to wake up not feeling a single pain in any part of my body, enjoy every single food i love, watch every single movie without falling asleep in between, and be able to run! it might sound funny but i want to run for at least 30 mins and not feeling my heart jumping off my chest. I wanna be able to love the things i love again. 
The thought of having these things back in my life motivates me to push more and fight harder. I might not be able to have the same exact life i had before but sure i will be able to make a new life! A more interesting and valued life. So i'm not giving up the fight especially now that i'm almost there. 
Score board: 5-0 Lloyd-5 KiKi-0


*I would like to send out my love to my FAMILY who endured every pain i felt and every tear i shed. I LOVE YOU guys very much!!!
*To my dearest second family..my FRIENDS who loved me and supported me in every little and big way they can. I really appreciate all the help! thank you thank you thank you!!! :)
*To my support group for sharing my troubles.. thank you :)

Chemotherapy #3

it was a bit chilly in the chemo room..thank goodness for my blanket! :)

This was so far worse than the last sessions i had. I wish i can say that everything was ok but it was just not. I was nauseous from day 1 and been throwing up since then. Whatever food i take usually comes out in a couple of minutes despite my medications best effort to keep them in. This was just a bad chemo week! Well i guess there is no good chemo week. Everything tastes like cardboard..blah! I have uncontrollable hiccups that lasts fo 3 days. Had bone pain on my ribs, low back and arms. I'm hyperacidic and had heartburns that keep coming back no matter how much maalox i ingest. 

But today i'm a bit better. I finally had 2 tacos..2 WHOLE tacos and not puked it out! Considering the amount of food intake a had for the past 3 days, this is a big improvement.  And i think  i have a bit more room for extra food later.

Round 3 done! Score: 3-0 

Lloyd-3 KiKi-0

Chemotherapy #2

After being delayed for a week due to my low white blood cell count, i finally had my 2nd doze of chemotherapy last tuesday, June 29th. It was a bit different this time because my doctors added 2 more medications.. Namely Benadryl and Decadron along with the regular Pepcid and Zofran. They are supposed to help "ease" up the ABVD concoction. I find the Benadryl very helpful. It makes me relax and sleep during the procedure. 
I had a different nurse this time. Her name was miss Park. She is super new in the chemotherapy department. She doesn't even know that the new BP apps have print-outs of whatever was the reading. She asked me if i was nervous, and i said because you look nervous too! And then we just laughed and got along with everything. This time it only took about 3 1/2 hours for the actual procedure and 2 hours of waiting. So i got home around 4 pm.
Right after the first day, everything went to sleeping, sleeping and more sleeping. And oh yeah they gave me a booster shot for my bone marrow so it can rapidly produce new WBC and it's causing uncomfortable pain all over my body. Just along the back, the rib cage, my hips, neck and just about everywhere. Thank goodness for percocet or it could have been a very very long and painful week. But today i'm better! Pain is minimal, i'm not drowsy and not nauseous at all! YEY!!! So my OK week starts today i guess. :)

Everyone meet KIKI...

this is KiKi! my free-loader hate-hate relationship!!!

Hi everyone! I haven't been able to update my blog for quite a while now. I was really busy with all the "don't do this! and don't do that!"  from my doctors. By the way, the encircled black cluster is the lump of tumors in my neck and chest area - KiKi. It's just above my heart and the rest of the dark spots i can explain thru PMs..LOL

Let me tell you some things about KiKi. Because of "K" (KiKi's street name) i get to be poked on various parts of my body with nasty needles so the docs can find out if K is cranky or not, or in other words trying to still literally kill me from the inside. Because of K i have suffered insurmountable amount of pain all over my body from time to time. Because of "K" I'm stuck at home balding, bloated and isolated from the rest of the world. Because of K my life depends on toxic chemicals that make me vomit like my insides wanna come out. That's all because of K!

See how selfish KiKi is? No matter how much i tried to get rid of K, still! hangs around like nothings going on. Tried cutting K with a scalpel but it seems K is wrapped around my blood supply like a huge parasitic leech! So when docs suggested to "poison" her, i said yes right away even though it will also poison me in the process. It's now a matter of who's stronger, KiKi or Me? We have 7 rounds of pound per pound chemical warfare. So far the score is 1-0. In my favor of course! 

I just can't wait for the final round where i knock KiKi out and can finally leave me alone. And just to be sure I'm filing for a restraining order. "KiKi not allowed within Lloyd's lifetime!"

Chemotherapy #1

1 down! 7 more to go!!! I guess it really is too early to say i'm ok after today's treatment but being ok today is better than sick today right? They say it's beginner's luck. hmmmppp! Let's see.

Went to chemotherapy floor by 9am. No waiting today so that's a good news already. My nurse is Ms. Bello. She is very very very pleasant. She explained to me everything that's going to happen during my chemo sessions. She was gentle, funny and very professional AND she is Filipina!!! YEY! I'm just super happy 'coz i don't have to ask the same questions over and over because it's in a very fast english. At least i can use my own dialect. In other words communication was way better hehehe.Plus did i mention i'm Filipino and she's Filipina? hehehe

Anyway,  my medications were consists of 4 (thousand-dollars-worth each) drugs:Adriamycin (doxorubicin),Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine. Generally known as ABVD, these concoction of very powerful drugs are the cancer assassins! But just like any war, there are a lot of casualties - my poor healthy cells! BUT they are my necessary evil. I just have to know how to work with them. One of the medications was very scary looking. It was BLOODY RED. I just can't imagine that thing going in my body. But thank goodness my nurse reminded me of cherry flavored kool aides. It does sound better than blood i think? hehe So to sum the whole day, i came in 9 a.m. and went home 3:30pm. It seemed quick since i have my mom, dad and one of my very close friends throughout the procedure. Thank you guys!!! :) And oh! they served free lunch!!! hahaha tuna or turkey and cheese sandwich, apple and  milk. 

Here's a couple of pics we took inside, though it wasn't really allowed..sssshhhhh

My best weapon is my SMILE!!! :)

and of course a whole lot of bullcrap talk with my bud Edward! LOL

Until now i don't feel anything bad at all. Maybe just tired. I ate well. Ate a lot actually! I even had the time to blog. :) 

And thank you for your support everybody. They mean so much to me! ;)

Port A Cath

I finally have the time to write again. I was highly drugged for the past few days since i had my port a cath placement on June 1st. As expected from any other surgery, i was and still am sore. So percocet (pain pill) is helping me a lot. I usually take 1 every 4 hours but lowered my doze to 1 every 6 hours. I hate being immobile. That's what percocet does to me. Knocks me off really bad i end up sleeping the whole day and night. Then i wake up very hungry and thirsty i start shoving whatever food and drink i find in the fridge up my mouth. So comes bloating and constipation! Arrghhh I sound like a complaining b*tch today but i just wanna let you guys know how it really goes. Here are some pics taken of my port a cath placement.

Just woke up from the surgery.. i'm all high and puffy! Thanks mom for taking the pic ;)

closer look at the port a cath in my chest.. yes IN my chest! see the long line going up? that's a tube connected to my main artery on the neck..and YES! it feels really really weird!!!

So far that's what's been going on with me lately and yeah i did my PET scan number 2 already. And Chemotherapy starts next week June 8. It's a little rough on me this days. But i have to hang on! Good part is, my family and friends have been there every step. I even got a surprise "Save Lloyd Foundation" from my college friends and their families. Thank you so much guys for you generosity! I am truly grateful.

From long hair to no hair..sort of

It wasn't an easy decision but as most of you know right now.. i've shaved my head. I wanted to do something crazy before totally shaving my head, like coloring it platinum blonde to blue to red and maybe get a mohawk while at it. But one day last week i decided to just get out of my apartment and look for the nearest barber and just shave it all off. Why? I was kinda depressed during that time and i really think that doing it before chunks of my hair start to fall off gives me some control. Sort of "sorry cancer I shaved my hair and you're too late to make me bald!!!". And if i am ever gonna color my hair crazy i'm doing it not because i'm losing my hair but because i really wanna get it. So when i'm better and my hair grows back again, blue is the new black!

When everything was shampoo and conditioner!

Now with NO shampoo and NO conditioner!!! hahaha

Another wave of good news...

I don't think that having stage 2 cancer can actually be good news. But good that it's just stage 2, good that at least it's earlier than expected. Meaning the tumor cells have reached my chest area already but not widespread enough to reach other organs. So my heart is good, my liver is ok, my kidneys are fine and my blood count is just super! Yes! Yes! Yes!

My oncologist spent almost 2 hours going through my staging, treatments, benefits, side-effects, etc. And all i can think is I'm gonna be just fine. I will get through this.

Then doc started talking about options on saving "little Lloyds" as chemotherapy may cause sterility. I may have to store enough army of my sperm in the Swiss sperm bank to ensure the future of the Lloyd dynasty!

Anyway i needed to have my port a cath placement done so i can start chemo. And another pet scan.. i know i said another pet scan! Well, back to being radioactive again.

Officially my chemotherapy sessions will start on June 8 and then every after Tuesday for 4 cycles. That's 8 chemotherapy sessions in 4 months. And this will be followed by at least 1 month of radiation therapy.

Let's bring it on!!!! So this damn sucker can get off my neck and chest!!!

Bad Bad Day..

Have you ever felt pain that punches a hole to your spirit. It hurts so bad all you can do is cry and pray that this will at least stop for a second? I thought that having my bone marrow biopsy was the worst.. i have proven myself wrong again! I'm talking about the pain i feel inside of me. A pain that tortures your whole being and keeps burrowing inside until you wanna give in and let it take over. I wish there was something..anything i can do to numb it. But no! Nothing, i think nothing can take this away. I am fighting. Fighting really hard to hold on to any hope left inside of me. I want to. I need to.

Tests Tests and more Tests

BRING IT ON!!!! I was supposedly scheduled for a port a cath placement last Thursday but i guess the docs weren't ready for me yet. They said that my lab works were not updated anymore and they wanted the latest findings. So I'm back to more needle poking! Yey!

But at least i had 2 scans done that day. Both CT-scan and PET scan so i ain't complaining. They were not as annoying as the IV line on my arm through out the whole procedure. And yeah I'm radioactive!!! Also did the Gated Wall Motion Exam (heart function exam @ nuclear medicine). They gave me a letter that goes like this "This patient had a nuclear medicine procedure and may still have small amounts of radiation capable of being detected by radiation monitor equipment". Now all i need to do is find a spider to bite me and i'll be spiderman or does the spider need to be radioactive instead? hmmmm

Ok now i have pre-screening again next week. Hopefully this time i will be cleared for my surgery.

Bone Marrow Biopsy (a.k.a. scream to death pain)

Last Friday was my bone marrow biopsy exam. Yeah i've heard that it's on hella painful procedure. But being the optimistic me, i went there expecting just regular pain. I told myself that i had kidney stones i guess nothing is more painful than that! WRONG!!!

I went early as usual to the hematology clinic at NCBH (North Central Bronx Hospital) for my appointment packed with a morning smile and a kick-ass attitude. "It's just bone marrow exam and there's anesthesia (local), i'll be fine!" So i told my mom and dad not to bother going with me or even picking me up after the procedure.

First was blood works. I swear these hospitals are secretly selling blood to vampires!!! They really love to draw blood from me. Then the actual procedure. There were 3 doctors and a nurse. I was chosen to be in a study regarding a new way of harvesting bone marrow. In other words they wanna experiment on me using a drill-yes! a surgical drill!- with a foot-long straw-like needle in the end. Of course i said yes! Who wouldn't wanna be drilled through your bone with a fairly new equipment right?
They numbed my behind with the anesthesia and i was like yey! Then they started poking the straw-like needle all the way to the pelvic bone. And when it hit the bone, tadaaa!--pain,pain,pain!!! Doc was like "if you can rate the pain from 0-10, 0 being nothing and 10 worst possible pain, what would it be?" I politely said 8. Then he gave the signal to start drilling. And then pain,pain and more pain!!! "0-10?" doc asked again. I said 10 with a face looking like i swallowed a whole freaking lime! Whew! I consoled myself that the worst part is finally over. But doc has other plans... they still have to harvest the bone marrow and you guessed it right- PAIN, PAIN and HELLISH PAIN!!! I don't wanna scare anyone getting a bone marrow biopsy (i guess my warning is too late..) but F*&%*&$&K!!!!!! I wouldn't do it again even if they give me a lifetime supply of Gummy Bears or burry me with a million dollars!!! (hmmm maybe i would if it's the latter..hehehe) I never felt anything like that in my entire painful life. I had kidney stones and passed them out, that was hell. But this? It's HELL in capital letters.
So doc asked me again "0-10?" i was like 15! 15! 15! 15! He believed me. I guess the tears in my eyes, the torn paper cover of the table and my red furious face gave him the hint.
Going home was a challenge. And will take a longer story but let's say i got home with a limp, 2-lbs of cherries, a bag of strawberry and lots and lots of help from my good friends! Thank you good friends! =)

Any good news helps!

Today was Pulmonary Function Test and HIV Screen day.

Woke up really early, around 5:45 a.m., for my first appointment is at 7:30 a.m. and my Oncologist advised me to be there at least 30 mins. earlier. (My dad and my mom calling me on my cellphone around that time made it easier to drag my sleepy behind to the bathroom.)

Surprise!!! I was the first person in the Pulmonary Function Testing Clinic,of course! Not even the technicians were around. I think going there at 6:40 a.m. didn't help since they actually open by 7:30! Anyway, the tests in the Pulmo Clinic were weird! They have me seated inside a glass box with tubes for you to breathe. I already expected some "blowing and sucking" to happen since i guess they are assessing by lungs. The lady was very nice. I just can't imagine if anyone was listening on the other room when she was instructing me how to do the tests. "Suck it in..in..in.. in.. then hold..hold..now blow! blow! let it all out..blow! yes! very good! and again!" hahaha that actually put a big grin on my face while i'm stuck with a huge tube in my mouth and a sort-of clothe's pin looking thing on my nose. After more sucking and blowing..i'm done! wheewww!!!

So i went to the E.R. for my HIV Screening. A very nice nurse directed me to the testing area were Caesar, my technician/councilor led me to a private room and discussed about the procedure. I signed some paper works answered a few questions, one of them was "do you pay for sex/they pay you for sex?"--i was like hmmmmm? LOL, he then swabbed my upper and lower gums for the actual sample. Then while waiting for the results, more videos about condoms! how to use one (yup! very graphic!!!) both male and female condoms and yeah "mouth condoms". A few minutes later the results came and it was NEGATIVE! I actually know by heart that it is but any good news gives me more hope. =)

So that's one of my non-working day. I'm heading back to bed now. God Bless everybody! :)

Fact: Did you know that non-water based lubricants causes latex condoms to break?

Just Another Bump On The Road

 My friends,

  

As some of you might know, i've been sick lately and had been going on and off to the hospital. Had done almost all of the lab tests there is. Until i had a radical procedure (surgical biopsy) done when things turned from worse to worst. I don't have any easier way to say this.. i have cancer. 

They have yet to stage my cancer. It's a lymphoma type called Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I'm glad to say that it is a curable form of cancer. But it is still cancer and i will still have to go through all the treatments and procedures. 

As what the doctors have told me, i will be going for chemotherapy and/or radiation treatments for the span of 6-8 months depending on the severity of my condition. 

I am writing this not for you to pity me but to ask for your support and prayers. In this dark and difficult time of my life, i need my friends and my family to be strong for me.

I will be ok! I will get through this with God's help! I will win this fight! 

Future Cancer Survivor!

LJ

Happy Birthday My Baby!

You are 12 years old now baby! Time went by really fast. I can still remember the first time i get to hug and kiss you. You were about 3 not quite 4 yet. And now you have grown to be a very good, loving and beautiful little lady. But in my heart you will always be the baby girl who calls me Manong Yoyoy.. My baby Bulaylay!

I LOVE YOU! 

control. alt. delete. delete. delete. delete.

Have you met someone you wish you can just forget so you won't drown with the overwhelming pain they cause you? I did. I do....


If there's just a way to completely erase you, i already have. I don't wanna know how much caring for you gives me joy or how much loving you keeps me breathing. I don't wanna feel how much it pains me when you say goodbye or how much it hurts when you look pass through me when I'm right here standing in front of you. I don't wanna wake up again from a dream knowing that it's the only place a "you & me" exists. And I don't wanna pretend anymore that we are both travelling on a road that one day may cross paths.
I wanna say goodbye. I tried to say goodbye. But goodbye seems to be hard on me. My mind is letting go but my heart says no.

In Time

What does a late late late 20's guy do when the world seems to be a bit heavier than usual?
If i ever had plans for the future it surely did change. Especially when presented with a mysterious illness that could actually alter the rest of my existing life. It has been 4 months since i found out that i have a lump on my neck but up to now the doctors still can't figure out what really is going on. They just left me with a very cruel diagnosis: POTENTIAL LYMPHOMA. I did all the tests they require me to do. Oh believe me when i say i did it all, the needles, the x-rays, the scans, the dyes, scopes, biopsy (a failed one) and countless medications. All of that just to end up with another biopsy, this time an excision biopsy. A surgical procedure where they actually take a sample of the tissue. In other words slice my neck open and take a piece of what's inside.
Because of these things life has drastically changed for me. I'm home most of the time. Watching TV, sleeping, resting getting drugged. Good thing i have a very supportive family that checks in whenever they can and great friends who are also there for me.
So what does a guy like me do when times are as tough as it can be? BELIEVE. Believe that there is someone higher than me. Someone guiding me through every feeble step i take. A light in one of my darkest hours. My FAITH with keep me from doing things i used to do and things that i will do. They always say that it is just a bump in the road, well it is and i intend on going forward. Another thing that's keeping me going is my PASSION in life and what comes with it. That life was given for us to enjoy and explore. I actually know myself a lot more than before. I have learned to accept who i am and who i need to be.
It just feels like a huge stone was casted on a still pond and now ripples are getting bigger and bigger. But soon.. they will fade. Soon.. :)

in or out?

I've been stuck at home for the past few days waiting for my BIOPSY result. (there is this massive lump on my neck that doctors are suspecting as lymphoma) I can only hope and pray that everything will be OK. That i will be cancer-free!!!
Anyway the weather here in NY is just so perfect today. I just wish i can go for a walk or jog but i really can't. Pain is terrible when i move a lot. So what to do on a nice day like this when you can't possibly go out? Bring the blinds UP!, open the windows and soak up the sun!!!
Cross my fingers and hope that the biopsy result will be as sunshiny as today. =D

Pop my cherry!

First post.. let's see if i can continue doing this..