Hello friends! So i did two more chemo sessions. And they both were as bad as the last time. Nothing really new to say except that the side effects last a little longer than usual. And that the pain lingers around in places i never imagined exists. But anyway, I can't believe i'm almost there! 3 more to go and graduation!!! unless you wanna consider the next phase which is a month a half of radiation therapy. Oh well that's a different story.
By now the chemo therapy almost seems like a routine to me. I go to the hospital and "poison" myself, go home be sick for a week, recover for the next week and repeat the cycle again. But you know what the worst part is? It's not actually the unending feeling of your gut trying to escape your body through your mouth or the annoying, can't-sleep-unless-i-pop-a-pill pain all over your body or when almost everything your brain say delicious your tongue say "chalk", it's the isolation that this illness has given me. The feeling of being fragile...useless. I miss my family! I miss my friends! I miss myself!!!
Sure my family comes in and takes care of me, sure my friends see me as much as they can or text and call me but it is never the same. I find it hard to explain it..don't really know how to start to explain it.
First of, i became neutropenic, meaning i have to avoid crowds a much as i can so i won't risk getting an infection, hence the masks, the staying home all the time and the $4,000 booster shots. And then the side effects of the chemo that's really limiting me from doing anything except sleeping or yes, sleeping for a week or so. I guess what i'm trying to say is i wanted my old life back. I want to be able to wake up not feeling a single pain in any part of my body, enjoy every single food i love, watch every single movie without falling asleep in between, and be able to run! it might sound funny but i want to run for at least 30 mins and not feeling my heart jumping off my chest. I wanna be able to love the things i love again.
The thought of having these things back in my life motivates me to push more and fight harder. I might not be able to have the same exact life i had before but sure i will be able to make a new life! A more interesting and valued life. So i'm not giving up the fight especially now that i'm almost there.
Score board: 5-0 Lloyd-5 KiKi-0
*I would like to send out my love to my FAMILY who endured every pain i felt and every tear i shed. I LOVE YOU guys very much!!!
*To my dearest second family..my FRIENDS who loved me and supported me in every little and big way they can. I really appreciate all the help! thank you thank you thank you!!! :)
*To my support group for sharing my troubles.. thank you :)
